The Words are painful

Everyone keeps asking if I have blogged? I want to, but, writing is almost to painful. Mother's Day and 4 months happened with in a day of each other. The day before Mother's Day we picked out Rylee's headstone. I can't begin to explain how awful that was. In that moment, it seemed to real. The guy had to draw the whole thing out. Looking at a piece of paper that is designed like a tombstone with Rylee Bridget Andersen 2-5-07 - 1-10-10 on it hit like a ton of bricks. Why? What purpose does it serve? I will never understand why my arms were not good enough. Mother's protect their children, they make them better. On the night of 1-10 my baby looked into my eyes, crying and gasping for air and there was nothing I could do. I could not take her pain away, I could not save her. So, on Mother's Day I felt as if I had let her down. I am proud to be Rylee's Mother and I will always be her Mama. I just hate that she is not here and that I could not stop her body from failing her.

Would I choose to not have had Rylee?

Shocking question, I know! When I first heard this question by another Mom who lost her child my immediate thought was HELL NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! This Mother was asked this question by a friend around the anniversary of her child's death. It struck me, because she didn't know the answer to it. Her answer was " I don't know" She said " I don't know what I would pick, I am grateful for the time with my son but, to live with this pain forever is so unbearable." She honestly didn't know if her life would have been better never having had her son. I will not judge this women, I know her pain. Her son passed away four years ago and yet, she still does not know, because her pain from his death is so deep. This was so profound for me. My answer is still HELL NO! but, I had to stop and think after she gave her reason for not knowing. She's right, the pain is so awful and it will never go away. For me, I would never trade, the laughs, smiles, tears, screams, hugs, kisses, touch, feel, smell. She was mine, and I would never give that up. I would however, do anything to have her back where she belongs.

3 Months plus

It has been a little over 3 months since that awful night. I was hesitant to write about it. Society believes my life has gone on. That 3 months is long enough. People forget, or don't know what to say. 3 months is nothing, 2o years will be nothing. The gaping hole will be there forever. To society I want to say FU!!! There is no limit to grief, especially when it's the lose of my child. The days are busy, very busy. That is the only way for me to survive right now. We go on for Drew, that is not a choice. On the outside I look whole, on the inside I am shattered into a gazillion pieces. I find it hard to write this because nothing compares to what Rylee lived everyday and how hard she fought to be with us for as long as she could. I love her, it's so plane and simple I just love her, want her, miss her.

Mother's Day is right around the corner. We have to go back to NY. Part of me is happy so I can be at the cemetery and the other part of me just wants to stay here and ignore it all. James and I have to pick out the headstone. How did we get here? A headstone for our baby. I just want to scream. Friday night we will put on our happy faces and help his brother celebrate his engagement. I am truly happy for him but, dread that weekend.

Mitochondrial Disease

Grief

Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you,smashes down upon you with unimaginable force,sweeps you up into its darkness,where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped...Grief will make a new person out of you,if it doesn't kill you in the making.

Car

Two and half years ago I joined the world of the minivan mom. I hated to admit it but I LOVED it. Anyone who has had or has one knows how much easier it is for travel, friends, car pool, space. We decided to get it shortly after Rylee was born. This is the car that we have traveled all over with, the car that we went back and fourth to the hospital, Dr's in numerous states too. The car that Rylee would laugh at or with her brother, choke, and have seizures in. The car that I would constantly stare in my rear view mirror to make sure she was still breathing, not ripping her tubes out or watch her laugh and smile. This car has so many good and bad memories. When we got back from her funeral in NY I was not sure we would keep this car. Do we even need a minivan anymore? Now, the car is where I cry. See, for everyone else their lives went on and ours have not. I have said this many times. No one wants to see us upset, or have their day brought down. In the car I'm alone. That of course is half the problem. The car is where I can release all my emotions with out doing it in front of others, the car is where I can blast songs that remind me of our sweet girl, the car is something I now hate because she is not in it. The car is something I love because I can let things out. I will cry before I go somewhere or when I leave so I don't cry while there. Do we keep this car? Do I want this car anymore? Is it what is best for us still? I don't have the answers to any of those questions. I will hold on to it for a while before I decide. I would hate to get rid of it now and decide 6 months from now I want the car that she was in with us back. No matter what car I'm in I will cry, I will look in the rear view mirror wishing she was there. At the end of the day it's not the car, it's Rylee no longer being in the physical world with us. None of this is right. This was not the way it was suppose to be. She was suppose to be the one that beat the odds of this ugly disease.

Awesome Video from Amber

A friend made this for us. I can't thank her enough. It's truly priceless.

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com