Tuesday, October 26, 2010

9 months!

So much has happened in 9 months. We started a foundation called Butterflies of Hope, have held two big events. I'm a consultant for thirty-one all proceeds go to Butterflies of Hope. The websites are butterfliesofhope.org and mythirtyone.com/JanetCongero We have spent the summer traveling, did Rylee's headstone. The list goes on and on and yet, I'm still in the same place as I was 7:57pm on January 10th. Life is going on, I look like I'm living it, I should win an oscar, because it's all fake. Life has stopped, it does not move, I just act. I love when people tell me how great I look, and how well I'm doing. Cut me open, slice me in half because that's what my heart looks like inside, split forever. The holidays are looming and the cement boulder that sits on my chest gets heavier and heavier. I don't want to trick or treat with out Rylee, I don't want to be Thankful on Thanksgiving, I don't want to wake up Christmas morning to a half empty tree, I don't want this life. I don't want January 10th to come. She has been gone as long as I carried her inside me. I live for Drew. He needs his Mom and Dad. I feel like we are doing the best we can for him. His life is as normal as possible. I pray he has no clue how hard this is for us.I'm petrified of the next few months. Every night, I cry. I will never understand. I wonder if I will ever write an uplifting entry again? If I do, I wonder if it will be real or me pretending? I know it's only 9 months but, it's 9 months of not having her. Her big eyes staring into mine, head on my shoulder, hand on my heart, hands in my mouth feeding me food, dreams, just dreams. What's she doing? Who is with her? Can she eat? So many questions.

I'm a bit of a daredevil

About Me

I'm a Mom of two wonderful children, Andrew(4) and Rylee(1). My husband and I are originally from NY and moved to FL 6 years ago. I love it here and won't move back but this is where I live my home will always be in NY. When I die someone better fly my ass back there to bury me. I love hanging outside with the kiddos, sports, working out and taking pictures.