Two and half years ago I joined the world of the minivan mom. I hated to admit it but I LOVED it. Anyone who has had or has one knows how much easier it is for travel, friends, car pool, space. We decided to get it shortly after Rylee was born. This is the car that we have traveled all over with, the car that we went back and fourth to the hospital, Dr's in numerous states too. The car that Rylee would laugh at or with her brother, choke, and have seizures in. The car that I would constantly stare in my rear view mirror to make sure she was still breathing, not ripping her tubes out or watch her laugh and smile. This car has so many good and bad memories. When we got back from her funeral in NY I was not sure we would keep this car. Do we even need a minivan anymore? Now, the car is where I cry. See, for everyone else their lives went on and ours have not. I have said this many times. No one wants to see us upset, or have their day brought down. In the car I'm alone. That of course is half the problem. The car is where I can release all my emotions with out doing it in front of others, the car is where I can blast songs that remind me of our sweet girl, the car is something I now hate because she is not in it. The car is something I love because I can let things out. I will cry before I go somewhere or when I leave so I don't cry while there. Do we keep this car? Do I want this car anymore? Is it what is best for us still? I don't have the answers to any of those questions. I will hold on to it for a while before I decide. I would hate to get rid of it now and decide 6 months from now I want the car that she was in with us back. No matter what car I'm in I will cry, I will look in the rear view mirror wishing she was there. At the end of the day it's not the car, it's Rylee no longer being in the physical world with us. None of this is right. This was not the way it was suppose to be. She was suppose to be the one that beat the odds of this ugly disease.
I keep thinking it can't be two months. This can't be my life. I could not have possibly gone this long with out seeing her beautiful face, feeling her against me, screaming because she did not get her way, no Dr's or hospitals. How? Why? It makes no sense to me at all. I can't wrap my brain around it. That night plays over and over in my head and I can't get it to stop. I'm not sure that it ever will. I walk through life everyday as if we are normal, and we are so far from that. I vividly remember people talking about us behind our back, saying that we were lying about Rylee, and she was not as sick as we were saying because she looked fine. I look like I am fine, yet my world crumbled in an instant and I am far from fine. The hole is so deep and it can never be filled. Please, don't ever judge a book by a cover. I wish my life was moving forward. I wish I could join the rest of the world. I wish she were still here. On FB today a friend wrote something that she thought might help. I am so thankful that we have so many people that care for us. Thankful that she tried to help, so, please when you read this don't take offense. It was about looking back to the first day, and realizing that nothing is as bad as the first day. I could agree with those words and take comfort from them if it were not my child. A spouse, parent, sibling, friend maybe, not my child. I feel no less pain, I feel no more strength, I feel no more healed today then the first day. In some ways it's worse, the numbness has worn off and all I am left with is the reality that I will never see her, feel her, kiss her again. I cry in the shower, the car, I choke up all the time. When will it feel different? Tomorrow James and I head back to NY for his Father's Memorial. We will fly on the same plane that we flew 2 months ago to bury our daughter. We will spend two hours in the place that we last saw her, touched her. We will do it together though for his Father. His life deserves to be honored too. I'm afraid to see everyone. It's much easier to hide the pain from people who have not known us our entire lives. Afraid to go back to the cemetery and face that she is really there and never coming back. The numbness seems better to me at this point. Thank you to all our family and friends who have been there for us. Thank you for helping us celebrate Drew's 6th birthday this week. We continue to be blessed by so many wonderful people. Please continue to pray for Madelyn, Abbie Grace and Savannah.
When Rylee was getting sicker, and the Dr's were not sure what was going to happen, the word death came up. It hit hard in so many ways but, instantly I thought I needed to let Karen and my family know that if anything happened, James and I wanted Rylee brought home to NY. We did not want her buried in FL. NY is home, no matter where we live and, I didn't want her to be alone. While we sat on the couch knowing our daughters life was coming to an end, I found myself second guessing what I wanted. I didn't know if I could leave her. I felt this way until we were at the cemetery. I needed signs, silently begged for them. I did not want my baby to be alone. We decided to go ahead and bring Rylee back NY. The thought of having her here was worse then leaving her in NY but, still looked for something to tell me this was right. I'm going to back track a little. In October while I was in the hospital with Rylee a close family friend suddenly passed away. I was heart broken for this family, for my parents who wouldn't leave us to be there. I received an email from Mr. Reardons daughter saying that his death had to have something to do with Rylee and that she whole heartedly believed he was another angel in heaven fighting for her down here. I wanted to believe this so much and if it helped his family to believe he was helping Rylee I was all for it. We needed all the angels we could get. I hated that it had to be someone we knew though, and that they were hurting so badly. Now to bring you to the morning after Rylee passed away. I was not taking phone calls. Friends of ours came over and fielded the phones for us. I was upstairs and Terra came up and she looked at me saying "I'm sorry but she won't take no for an answer, it's a Maryann." It was Mrs. Reardon letting my know that she wanted us to use Mr. Reardons car when we got to NY. We landed late into NY so we were not going to Locust Valley until the next day. My parents picked James and I up in Mr. Reardon's car and off we went to the cemetery. After talking about what we wanted we were taken down to an area that had space available. My parents decided to get a plot and James and I would need two. When we got to the area that we could choose from all of a sudden I started to listen to everyone saying " I don't want to be up the hill, I don't want to be in the shade, I want sun, I want some tree's" As I was listening to this all I said was "I don't want her to be alone" Everyone was looking were there was no one around. I knew James Grandparents and my Grandfather were in the surrounding areas which was good but it still did not feel right. My Dad moved over to another area and said "what about here?" then he walked over to see who she would be near and all I heard him say was "Oh my God, I can't believe this" My Mom went over to see who it was. She turned and looked at me and I said "who is it" her answer was "Tom Reardon" We just started to cry. Our baby was not going to be alone. There we were in his car at his grave site and he would be with our baby girl. That was our sign. Sadly, he did not pass away to be her angel on earth but he is her Angel in heaven. James and I took great comfort knowing that Mr. Reardon would be with her. We found out we could not put her right next to him because his son had bought the plot next to him but we bought the 3 plots after that.It was fine, he was close enough. I knew she was in the right spot, God and Mr. Reardon lead us there. My baby is NOT alone!
I'm a Mom of two wonderful children, Andrew(4) and Rylee(1). My husband and I are originally from NY and moved to FL 6 years ago. I love it here and won't move back but this is where I live my home will always be in NY. When I die someone better fly my ass back there to bury me. I love hanging outside with the kiddos, sports, working out and taking pictures.