Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Two Months:(

I keep thinking it can't be two months. This can't be my life. I could not have possibly gone this long with out seeing her beautiful face, feeling her against me, screaming because she did not get her way, no Dr's or hospitals. How? Why? It makes no sense to me at all. I can't wrap my brain around it. That night plays over and over in my head and I can't get it to stop. I'm not sure that it ever will. I walk through life everyday as if we are normal, and we are so far from that. I vividly remember people talking about us behind our back, saying that we were lying about Rylee, and she was not as sick as we were saying because she looked fine. I look like I am fine, yet my world crumbled in an instant and I am far from fine. The hole is so deep and it can never be filled. Please, don't ever judge a book by a cover. I wish my life was moving forward. I wish I could join the rest of the world. I wish she were still here. On FB today a friend wrote something that she thought might help. I am so thankful that we have so many people that care for us. Thankful that she tried to help, so, please when you read this don't take offense. It was about looking back to the first day, and realizing that nothing is as bad as the first day. I could agree with those words and take comfort from them if it were not my child. A spouse, parent, sibling, friend maybe, not my child. I feel no less pain, I feel no more strength, I feel no more healed today then the first day. In some ways it's worse, the numbness has worn off and all I am left with is the reality that I will never see her, feel her, kiss her again. I cry in the shower, the car, I choke up all the time. When will it feel different? Tomorrow James and I head back to NY for his Father's Memorial. We will fly on the same plane that we flew 2 months ago to bury our daughter. We will spend two hours in the place that we last saw her, touched her. We will do it together though for his Father. His life deserves to be honored too. I'm afraid to see everyone. It's much easier to hide the pain from people who have not known us our entire lives. Afraid to go back to the cemetery and face that she is really there and never coming back. The numbness seems better to me at this point. Thank you to all our family and friends who have been there for us. Thank you for helping us celebrate Drew's 6th birthday this week. We continue to be blessed by so many wonderful people. Please continue to pray for Madelyn, Abbie Grace and Savannah.


pharmfish said...

you are amazing. You and James will be in my prayers, especially during your upcoming travels.

Julie Draulans said...

Pharmfish is Julie D (sorry - new to blogging)

Camber Mechele said...

Lying? That blows my mind that someone could ever truly believe that.

As always, you guys are in my prayers. I will be sure to pray extra hard for you this wknd.

And just an FYI, you should be able to add an RSS Widget or a People Connect so that people can follow it without you having to update Caring Bridge.


I'm a bit of a daredevil

About Me

I'm a Mom of two wonderful children, Andrew(4) and Rylee(1). My husband and I are originally from NY and moved to FL 6 years ago. I love it here and won't move back but this is where I live my home will always be in NY. When I die someone better fly my ass back there to bury me. I love hanging outside with the kiddos, sports, working out and taking pictures.