Car

Two and half years ago I joined the world of the minivan mom. I hated to admit it but I LOVED it. Anyone who has had or has one knows how much easier it is for travel, friends, car pool, space. We decided to get it shortly after Rylee was born. This is the car that we have traveled all over with, the car that we went back and fourth to the hospital, Dr's in numerous states too. The car that Rylee would laugh at or with her brother, choke, and have seizures in. The car that I would constantly stare in my rear view mirror to make sure she was still breathing, not ripping her tubes out or watch her laugh and smile. This car has so many good and bad memories. When we got back from her funeral in NY I was not sure we would keep this car. Do we even need a minivan anymore? Now, the car is where I cry. See, for everyone else their lives went on and ours have not. I have said this many times. No one wants to see us upset, or have their day brought down. In the car I'm alone. That of course is half the problem. The car is where I can release all my emotions with out doing it in front of others, the car is where I can blast songs that remind me of our sweet girl, the car is something I now hate because she is not in it. The car is something I love because I can let things out. I will cry before I go somewhere or when I leave so I don't cry while there. Do we keep this car? Do I want this car anymore? Is it what is best for us still? I don't have the answers to any of those questions. I will hold on to it for a while before I decide. I would hate to get rid of it now and decide 6 months from now I want the car that she was in with us back. No matter what car I'm in I will cry, I will look in the rear view mirror wishing she was there. At the end of the day it's not the car, it's Rylee no longer being in the physical world with us. None of this is right. This was not the way it was suppose to be. She was suppose to be the one that beat the odds of this ugly disease.