Tuesday, October 26, 2010

9 months!


So much has happened in 9 months. We started a foundation called Butterflies of Hope, have held two big events. I'm a consultant for thirty-one all proceeds go to Butterflies of Hope. The websites are butterfliesofhope.org and mythirtyone.com/JanetCongero We have spent the summer traveling, did Rylee's headstone. The list goes on and on and yet, I'm still in the same place as I was 7:57pm on January 10th. Life is going on, I look like I'm living it, I should win an oscar, because it's all fake. Life has stopped, it does not move, I just act. I love when people tell me how great I look, and how well I'm doing. Cut me open, slice me in half because that's what my heart looks like inside, split forever. The holidays are looming and the cement boulder that sits on my chest gets heavier and heavier. I don't want to trick or treat with out Rylee, I don't want to be Thankful on Thanksgiving, I don't want to wake up Christmas morning to a half empty tree, I don't want this life. I don't want January 10th to come. She has been gone as long as I carried her inside me. I live for Drew. He needs his Mom and Dad. I feel like we are doing the best we can for him. His life is as normal as possible. I pray he has no clue how hard this is for us.I'm petrified of the next few months. Every night, I cry. I will never understand. I wonder if I will ever write an uplifting entry again? If I do, I wonder if it will be real or me pretending? I know it's only 9 months but, it's 9 months of not having her. Her big eyes staring into mine, head on my shoulder, hand on my heart, hands in my mouth feeding me food, dreams, just dreams. What's she doing? Who is with her? Can she eat? So many questions.

15 comments:

Michelle said...

I just stumbled upon your site. I didn't know Rylee, I don't know your family. I just wanted to say I'm sorry your daughter died. I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. I have no idea what this feels like, but I wanted to let you know that someone spoke your daughters name today.

Jessica S. said...

I was just blog browsing and came upon your blog. My prayers are with you. I have no idea how it would feel to lose a child, I hope your heart can feel better some day.
Here is a blog I follow about a family in the same situation as you are.
http://jacksonparkcity.blogspot.com/

ajnrileysmommy said...

i also just stumbled upon your blog!
i am praying for you and your family right now.

Now&Now said...

I Just want to say that Rylee has touched my heart Today. I wish you confort. I wish you family keeps all this love.

Jenny said...

I also do not know you or your daughter Rylee. However I fell upon your site and my heart has gone out to you! My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family! I truely am very sorry for your loss!

gstelt said...

I feel the pain in your words and no parent should bury their child. We are suppose to be the one to go first. I personally believe she is in the loving arms of many angels who who will care for her untill her parents join her. Her spirit is in good hands. You still have work to do here on this earth & her memory will help you to accomplish what ever you are meant to do. She was sent and loaned to you for a purpose, her job was done, now it's up to you to finish what she started. A grandmothers point of view.

WRR said...

I've walked in your shoes. My daughter would have been 22 this year. I can tell you it gets better. I still have moments that catch my breath...but they are less and less. People who have experiences that teach them how fragile life can be, often are able to learn to appreciate life in ways that others will never know. Keep learning...I promise, life is worth living.

MarĂ­a Cecilia said...

I from Argentina, I just wanted to say I´m sorry, this is a nightmare.

Personality said...

I also came upon your blog unintentionally, but let me tell you that you and your daughter's story have touched my heart in a special way today. Know that she is not forgotten. My prayers go out to you.

K Wray said...

My Aunt will be excited to find out about Butterflys for hope. She has MITO and we've encountered all the hardships that come not only from the disease, but the whole onslaught of problems that come from no one having heard of it before. Her own sister (my mom) still doesn't understand that the fatigue and chronic infections are part of the disease, NOT something she is bringing on herself.

I pray for your strength. I hope that your lack of update is because you have found some joy in your son, that you've found your way back to Drew. I hope he is well and enjoying all childhood can be.

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Kimberly said...

I came across your blog and couldn't stop reading....I am hoping that time is helping to ease your pain, and I am so glad that you have so many beautiful pictures of your precious Rylee. Her little heart will forever beat in yours with all the wonderful memories you all shared together. I am so very sorry for your loss and I am praying that God will ease your aching heart with His love.

Derek said...

I just came across your blog and all I want to say is you have my condolence. I hope time will be the medicine to abate your pain.

shahanara said...

Good information!

ABennett said...

Hi
I just stumbled across your blog and wanted to extend my sympathies. Your blog is honest and heart wrenching but also a beautiful tribute to your daughter.


I'm a bit of a daredevil

About Me

I'm a Mom of two wonderful children, Andrew(4) and Rylee(1). My husband and I are originally from NY and moved to FL 6 years ago. I love it here and won't move back but this is where I live my home will always be in NY. When I die someone better fly my ass back there to bury me. I love hanging outside with the kiddos, sports, working out and taking pictures.

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