In the mind of a child

Everyday is a struggle to balance it all. How do we smile everyday when our hearts are broken? Sometimes I wake up and think, I can do this, others, not so much. Thing is, we have another child that we have to function for. I can't imagine what it's like for him, he was suppose to go through life with his partner in crime. Drew was there the moment we knew Rylee was not going to make it. I fight every moment to make life as normal as possible for him. "Normal" such a funny word. Nothing about our life is "normal." Days that I think Drew is Ok, are always the days that he falls a part. This kid can go from smiles to gut wrenching crying and screaming in the blink of an eye, and just like it us for us, you never know when it's coming. This past weekend Hurricane Irene reared it's ugly head. Funny that we live in FL, but it missed us and went up the North. The Hurricane was headed straight for NY. Rylee is buried in NY in our hometown. Drew was watching the news with me, asking all sorts of questions about hurricanes when all of a sudden he started crying and freaking out. He was petrified his sister was going to wash away. Stick the knife in a little deeper and turn it. The worrying never stops, it's never out of our minds. Hurricanes are nothing compared to what we live everyday. A few days with out power, flooded houses, roads closed. That's cake, I can handle that. Can you imagine your 7 year old worried that his sister whom he has already lost, washing away!!?? When does it end? When will he see life through normal eyes? The answer is simple, NEVER! There is nothing I can do to change this. Mom's are suppose to make these things better. I can't change this, but I can be there to hold him, and wipe his tears away. We all miss her so much. Days, minutes, it doesn't matter, the loss is still as fresh and deep as the moment it happened. Shhhh don't tell to many people that, society thinks we should be OVER it. Some of our friends actually think we are ok, and moving forward. I don't want to spoil it for them. I'm not saying it like that to be a bitch. It's easier for them to think we are ok. I understand they have no clue what to do. We have lost friends, and we have gained friends. I thank and love the people who are not tired of hearing us talk about Rylee, or at least put up with us when we do( which is a lot.) A huge thanks to a family friend who went to Rylee's gravesite during the storm to take pictures of Rylee's headstone for Drew. This was no easy task as almost all the roads to the cemetery were closed. The amazing thing is through all the snowstorms during the winter, and now a hurricane, not one thing that we have put at her site or on he headstone has washed away. This is simply amazing, makes me wonder sometimes, hmm......

"I would Die If I Lost My Child"

I have heard so many things over the past year. I try and tell myself "they don't know any better." Oh, how I am thankful they don't know. That is what we call innocence in the grief support group I go to. I do however want to vent about people saying " I would Die If I Lost My Child." It makes my skin crawl. It's like saying " I love my child more then you love yours." Don't get me wrong, I feel like dieing, and part of me already has. How selfish of me to do that to Drew, my innocent, sweet, albeit rambunctious 7 year old. He has already endured more then any child should. He watched his sister be so sick. I left him for weeks at a time to be at a hospital 2 hours away, he was whisked away as his sister was dieing in my arms not knowing that he would NEVER see her again. I could never do that to him. Then there is my parents. I know what it's like to lose a child. I could never choose to make them live this life. They already have to deal with the lose of their granddaughter and endure the pain of watching their child face the worst thing in the world, and there is nothing they can do. How could I do that to James, the only other person who knows how I truly feel. You will die a different death, an emotional one, but not a physical one. It will hit you, that no matter how painful it is to lose your child, you are not honoring their memory at all by dieing. I look forward to the day I die, because I will once again be with my baby girl. I want it to be when it's my time though, right now I need to be here for my son. I don't love Rylee any less because I'm still here living.

I don't have the words

As usual it has been forever since I blogged. I just never know what to say anymore.

For me, life stopped. When life stops, it leaves very little to be said. I think what I'm going to try and do is go back and do different post about things we have been through or done since my last post. Hope I actually come back and do it. Stay tuned!

Janet