Thursday, July 8, 2010

Say Rylee To Me

This weekend will be 6 months. I don't know how we have made it 6 months and not sure how we will make it though 6 more. I miss her so much.

This is something that was given to us from one of the leaders of a support group we go to.


The time of concern is over. No longer am I asked how I'm doing? Never is the name of our daughter mentioned to me a curtain descends, the moment has passed. A life slips from frequent recall. There are exceptions close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family, for most, the drama is over. The spot life is off. Applause is silent, but for me the play will never end. The effects on me are timeless. Say Rylee to me. On the stage of my life she has been both lead and supporting actress. Do not tiptoe around one of the greatest events of my life. Love does not die. Her name is written on my life. The sound of her voice replays within my mind. You feel she is dead. I feel she is of the dead and still lives. She ghostwalks my soul. Beckoning in future welcome. You say she was my daughter, I say she is. Say Rylee to me and say Rylee again. It hurt to bury her memory in silence. What she was in flesh is no longer with us what she is in spirit stirs within me always. She was of my past but she is part of me now. She is my hope for the future. You say not to remind me. How little you understand and I can not forget. I would not if I could understand you. But feel pain in being forced to. I forgive you. Because you could not know and I would forgive you anyway. I accept how you see me, but understand you do not see me at all. I strive not to judge you. For yesterday I was like you. I love you, will make no exceptions toward you, but I wish that you could understand that dwell in both flesh and spirit. The mystery is that you do too, but know it not. I do not ask you to walk this road. The assent is steep and the burden is heavy. I walk it not by choice. I would rather walk with her flesh. Looking not to the spirit roads beyond. I am what I have to be what I have lost you can not feel. What I have gained you can not see, and I would not have you. Say Rylee to me for she is alive in me, She and I will meet again, though in many ways we've never parted. She and her life play light songs on my mind, sunrises and sunsets in my dreams. She is real and shadow was and is. Say Rylee to me and say Rylee again. She is my daughter and I lover her as I always did.


Lisa Petrarca said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost my brother in a car accident several years ago on the 4th of July. This is always a hard time of year for our family.

Please try to take comfort in the wonderful, loving memories you have of your child. The memories seem to sustain you during those difficult days & nights.

My prayers are with you & please know that you will see your child one day again!

karensomethingorother said...

I was just hitting the "next blog" button, when I stumbled across your space. I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter. My heart aches for you. I don't know why the world has this preconceived idea of how long it takes to mourn someone, and then just move on, when in some ways, the loss of someone wonderful only becomes more sad as more time is heaped on the shoulders. Shrug off what they say, and feel how you need to feel.


The REALLY Real Curious Crow said...

I feel odd, as a complete stranger who stumbled upon your blog by pushing the "next blog" link above my own yesterday--one month since losing my dad--to be leaving a comment for you, but I was so drawn to your words, I felt I had to. I know that the loss of a child is different than the loss of a parent or spouse, but the discomfort outsiders feel when a grieving person grieves longer than they'd like for them to is universal, as is the automatic response--it seems--of "I'm fine," to make those outsiders more comfortable when, inside, one is not at all fine. Much of what you describe is what I see my mom going through as people ask the obligatory questions, while not really wanting the true response--in reading your blog, I have gained more insight into her grief and know that I'm not alone in my own (again, I know that the loss of a child is different, but loss is a kindred thing).

I wanted to let you know what a strong woman I can tell you are from your words and your bravery to write them--write the uncomfortable, heart-shattered feelings that many keep tucked away. By sharing your feelings, you help give those who keep silent about their own pain, strength and a voice...which means that you are all the more courageous for doing it.

Thank you for sharing the story of your Rylee with this stranger. I wish you and your family peace and a heart full of happy memories (and many more to be made).

My Studio News said...

link exchange ???
Thanks !!!

I'm a bit of a daredevil

About Me

I'm a Mom of two wonderful children, Andrew(4) and Rylee(1). My husband and I are originally from NY and moved to FL 6 years ago. I love it here and won't move back but this is where I live my home will always be in NY. When I die someone better fly my ass back there to bury me. I love hanging outside with the kiddos, sports, working out and taking pictures.